Communication

If you keep trying to have conversations but still end up feeling misunderstood and unheard, it can be deeply painful, especially with the person you most want to feel close to.

You may find yourself trying to explain, only to end up feeling more frustrated, unheard, or distant. Over time, those moments can leave you wondering if real understanding is even possible.

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps you slow these conversations down and make space for what you are really trying to share beneath the words. As you begin to express yourself more clearly and listen in new ways, it becomes easier to feel understood, supported, and emotionally connected to each other again showing you that a different way of communicating is possible.

Struggling to communicate effectively with your partner is more common than most couples realize, whether you’re in a newer relationship or have been together for years. It’s not because you don’t care or aren’t trying. Science has proven that human beings are wired for connection with a significant other, and when that bond feels disrupted, your partner feels distant and it can deeply affect how we experience ourselves and each other. When a relationship begins to feel emotionally uncertain, the nervous system reacts quickly, before we’re even aware of it. Especially when difficult topics are discussed. What looks like a communication problem is often a deeper sense of disconnection underneath.

In those moments, partners can fall into protective patterns without meaning to. One person may interrupt, push, or repeat themselves in an effort to feel heard or reassured, while the other may withdraw, shut down, or even become defensive when feeling overwhelmed in order to protect the relationship. As these patterns repeat conversations feel unproductive and emotionally unsafe. Instead of truly listening, both partners become focused on protecting themselves or getting their point across, leaving each person feeling unheard, misunderstood, and alone. What’s often underneath these moments are longings for reassurance, closeness, and to feel valued by each other.  When those needs go unspoken or unmet, couples can miss each other emotionally. Yet many couples aren’t sure how to express these deeper emotions in a way their partner can truly hear and understand, this is where Emotionally Focused Therapy can help.

According to Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, communication improves when couples feel emotionally safe and connected, not just when they learn new skills or steps. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, communication is not just about learning what to say, it is about creating conversations where you feel truly listened to, understood, and valued by your partner. In counseling, we begin by slowing conversations down and helping you both recognize the pattern that takes over when you feel distant or misunderstood, or frustrated. You start to see how your partner may interrupt, push, or try harder to be heard, while the other withdraws, shuts down, or becomes defensive. Or maybe you both interrupt to be heard, or both shut down and withdraw. Rather than blaming each other for their part, therapy helps you understand this as a shar ed cycle that both of you get pulled into.
From there, we explore what is beneath the surface of those reactions to what is really happening emotionally. You are supported by the therapist in expressing the feelings that are often harder to say out loud like hurt, fear, or the longing to feel close and important to each other. At the same time, your partner is guided to slow down and truly hear, respond and validate to those emotions in a new way. As these moments unfold in session, couples begin to appreciate each other more, interrupt less, listen more openly, and feel more heard and understood. As these patterns shift, couples are able to communicate with more empathy and openness, rebuild trust, and create a relationship that feels more loving, supportive, and fulfilling.

What you can expect as a result of couples counseling
Couples report the changes they experience in their relationship are:

• Better understanding not only of each other but of themselves.
• More appreciation and empathy for each other
• Less arguing
• Connecting on a deeper level
• Deeper trust
• Improved intimacy
• Profound shifts in how they resolve conflicts rather than surface level fixes
• Feeling on the same page in their goals and decisions
• More emotionally connecting conversations
• Increased safety and security in their relationship
• Feeling valued by their partner
• Healing relationship trauma

If you are asking yourself, “yea, but HOW do we stop fighting?” I’m glad you asked because communication problems and arguing are closely linked. For more information, please see my page on Conflict and Abuse.

The most effective technique for changing the outcome of a conversation is to start it differently, and to share a different emotion.  When your partner has done something that upset you and you want to say, “You didn’t do the dishes, AGAIN!”  What happens next is usually an argument or disconnection, right?

Instead follow these steps:

• “I” Statements:Start the sentence with “I feel_____________” instead of “You…”
• About: Describe the specific situation neutrally, focusing on the facts rather than your partner’s character.
• Stating a Positive Want of Need: Expressing what you want rather than only what you don’t
• Reminders: Be polite and use kindness, gratitude, and appreciation. Share a vulnerable emotion such as hurt or sadness rather than show your frustration.

Example: “I feel as if I don’t matter when the chores aren’t done.  I would really appreciate it if you help me tonight.”

When you’re ready to feel closer, more understood, and less alone in your relationship, this is where that shift can begin. You can schedule an appointment or request a free 15 minute phone consultation so we can talk briefly and see if working together feels like a fit.

Please see my Couples Therapy page to learn more about what you can expect when you come in for your first session.